Friday, April 2, 2010

I'm in Therapy

It felt like a human explosion if those were to exist and I decided I need therapy. My life as I was living it was no longer possible for me. I was raging from the inside out. I couldn't take anymore, emotionally. I had given all of 'me' to my marriage. Trying to 'save' our relationship and it didn't help. Nothing changed except me. I finally had enough. I was so unhappy by the time I exploded that it was the only thing left before just giving up. Cutting ties and disconnecting. There are so many levels to this story. First, I'm adopted. Second, I am mixed racially. Third, I believe in love and insist on experiencing it here, on earth, to the fullest extent. So I let my husband know that I am done with this relationship and I was seeking therapy for myself, so that I can live a happy, productive life. I am now on the Paula page off to find happiness, harmony, peace, and FREEDOM. That is all I want now. If I can figure this out then perhaps I have a chance at love. The kind of love that lights up the inside of your soul and burst into a smile. Until then, I am focusing on me. This is a first for me. I have spent the majority of my life figuring out how to please people to get the love I so desperately needed. That is not acceptable to my heart and soul anymore.
I had my first appointment yesterday. I had so much to say and I just brushed the surface. My therapists indicated that I created a 'false' self as a function of having been adopted. It tends to happen when you are separated from the original family and inserted into another. The natural reaction is to learn the culture and then mold the self to fit in. This becomes damaging when the new families traits are significantly different from the original family traits. I departed a long way from who I am naturally causing me to finally just break down.
A mentor of mine also explained it like this. I have unresolved feelings from the relinquishment and have buried them. It is like holding a beach ball (my repressed, unresolved emotions) underwater, for years. Until the pressure became too much and I let the ball go. That's how I have been living on an emotional level since I was an infant. burying the past, which I didn't understand, in order to function in the present.

Friday, October 16, 2009

What will become of me

Don't know what to do or where to go, even who to turn to. I am always spinning, never knowing where I will end up, stomach nausea. cant sleep, don't eat. When faced with the one who hurts me the most I am at a loss for words, my insides screaming , why are you doing this? please give me answers, me believing that he has them, never really accursed to me before now that he does not have them that he is as lost as I am...What will become of me. What will become of US? can we make it through this storm, neither one of us can say...everyone on the outside says its over, walk away, why don't I feel this why? Why is he still here? maybe he feels as I do...What will become of me! I feel as if I cry alone, He says he cries alone too. We are to souls meant to be together tearing each other apart....Lord hear our cries... Lord hear our prays..

Friday, October 9, 2009


I feel the cold come over my body, sharp daggers piercing my soul I cannot move, I am frozen. I scream for help, but no one can hear me. It feels like I am under frozen ice. My mind starts to wander into places which have caused me enormous pain as my mind is spinning out of control. I feel the ice start to climb up my body, Now not only am I losing control of my thoughts I am frozen in them, My heart is racing, I have shortness of breathe, Please please Lord Help me. At the time when I have given into the cold dark place, with ice now at my chin. I close my eyes and say unto the Lord......, Lord I am filled with your Love , Your love can Shatter any holds on my soul and your strength can break me free from any bondage, Your words can overtake the clutter in my head. Your arms can warm my spirit. My eyes open and I feel warmth, I feel freedom, I feel love. This will not break me for I am unbreakable.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Being Tested

Dont think for one moment that we are not gonna be tested each and every day. Almost every minute, We must embrace the tests that GOD has put on our paths..We must believe God see our future and sees the the work that has to be done inside ourselves to get there. Its ok to have the emotions , there will be sadness, and destruction but know that sadness can turn into joy and you can rebuild all that has been destroyed.

Mind Games

The Mind, Its scary how much our thoughts play out in our lives. When dealing with difficult situations the mind can either help us or hurt us. I often find myself playing mind games with myself, I'm hurt and scared but I tell myself I'm OK, I'm good I can get through this, but I feel I'm fighting my mind because My mind says, no you are not OK, you are hurt and alone and no one can help you in this situation. So it becomes a battle, a battle that starts in the mind travels down to my heart and into my soul. But what my mind doesn't know is that I wear the armor of GOD. With this armor it protects my spirit, my spirit which rises up in my soul into my heart and takes control of my mind.

They say the mind is a powerful thing..But I have to believe that my heart and soul have more power to win the battle. So this is a battle I will always fight. Never giving up, always believing, never surrendering. FAITH has made me UNBREAKABLE.

Monday, October 5, 2009

You tried to break Me today.

I woke up today feeling a spirit of destruction. Someone or something was coming for me, Then moments later I was fighting with swords and daggers, swinging left ducking right I found myself on my back tears streaming feeling defeated the life being choked from me. I closed my eyes and simply said " You Will Not Break Me" I am strong, I am loved, I am POWERFUL. I arose off my back and swung the sword of Light. I have defeated the darkness with the power of GOD! I am UNBREAKABLE!