It felt like a human explosion if those were to exist and I decided I need therapy. My life as I was living it was no longer possible for me. I was raging from the inside out. I couldn't take anymore, emotionally. I had given all of 'me' to my marriage. Trying to 'save' our relationship and it didn't help. Nothing changed except me. I finally had enough. I was so unhappy by the time I exploded that it was the only thing left before just giving up. Cutting ties and disconnecting. There are so many levels to this story. First, I'm adopted. Second, I am mixed racially. Third, I believe in love and insist on experiencing it here, on earth, to the fullest extent. So I let my husband know that I am done with this relationship and I was seeking therapy for myself, so that I can live a happy, productive life. I am now on the Paula page off to find happiness, harmony, peace, and FREEDOM. That is all I want now. If I can figure this out then perhaps I have a chance at love. The kind of love that lights up the inside of your soul and burst into a smile. Until then, I am focusing on me. This is a first for me. I have spent the majority of my life figuring out how to please people to get the love I so desperately needed. That is not acceptable to my heart and soul anymore.I had my first appointment yesterday. I had so much to say and I just brushed the surface. My therapists indicated that I created a 'false' self as a function of having been adopted. It tends to happen when you are separated from the original family and inserted into another. The natural reaction is to learn the culture and then mold the self to fit in. This becomes damaging when the new families traits are significantly different from the original family traits. I departed a long way from who I am naturally causing me to finally just break down.
A mentor of mine also explained it like this. I have unresolved feelings from the relinquishment and have buried them. It is like holding a beach ball (my repressed, unresolved emotions) underwater, for years. Until the pressure became too much and I let the ball go. That's how I have been living on an emotional level since I was an infant. burying the past, which I didn't understand, in order to function in the present.
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Hi Paula,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your experience here so openly transparently! You are in my prayers during this painful yet extraordinary time of healing,awareness and discovery. It is important to focus on you and heal from the hurts and tightrope you were living on for so many years. Often they say that it is important to not make major decisions during the time of healing, transition. We are so raw and confused and fragmented during the time of an emotional crash, that its best to delay major decisions involving our life and relationships. I am praying for you and know that you are not alone- Many other adoptees have walked a similar journey and have felt confused and misunderstood.
Blessings, hugs and prayers,
Jody